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  • Poem for my Dad

    I wrote this poem to read at the service-celebration for my Dad on June 26, 2026.

    It’s in email format since we used to email each other every day (until this April, when his eyesight was no longer up to reading and writing emails).

    My Last Email to Dad

    Dear Dad,
    I Love you
    Those were
    Not words we tended to say
    In our family
    But so much love was there
    Always

    Love expressed as time
    In daily emails
    Between us
    The word love sneaked in
    At the end of each one
    When we couldn’t email each other any more
    Goodbye was on the horizon
    my heart broke

    So much joy though
    A very full life
    95 years!
    Who ever would have thought?
    I never dreamed
    You’d be with us so long

    I’m sorry you
    Missed my wedding
    That probably hurt
    I was 23, oblivious,
    Had not yet learnt
    What it was like
    How it felt
    To be a parent

    You were always
    So clever
    So capable
    And so strong
    Quite eccentric,
    Doing things your own unique way.

    So many meals
    Were “the most delicious food
    I ever tasted!”
    I’ll never forget
    Your screwed up face
    And absolute incredulity
    If we dared disagree with that –
    Or anything else
    You were passionate about.

    So kind when you were well
    So naughty when you weren’t
    But it wasn’t your fault
    Or, not entirely?
    When it happened to me
    A new understanding
    A new bond between us
    A blessing in disguise.

    You had
    Such a great sense of humour
    The gift
    Of being able to laugh at yourself.
    Your wit and quick repartee
    A highlight of so many family holidays
    When your hearing was fine.

    A wonderful Grandad
    So delighted
    With your grandchildren
    Playing with them
    Making them laugh
    A mirror reflecting
    The dad you were to me
    When I was too young to remember

    So brave
    As your strength began to wane
    Still positive,
    A wonderful patient,
    Your kind GP told me.

    In your final weeks
    So sleepy
    Each word now an effort
    Yet still
    You made that effort
    For me.

    So many phone calls
    About you
    Trying to make sure
    You and Helen were ok
    Looking for ways to connect
    With you
    Very short phone calls
    Just a few words
    But so good to hear your voice

    Holding your hand
    On what was to be
    the last visit
    I didn’t know

    The next morning
    An hour for myself
    Before more calls
    My phone off during aerobics
    Unreachable and yet

    The background music
    Familiar
    But words I never heard
    Until that morning
    “Life is a song,
    it ends when it ends…
    It’s alright, you were dancing
    Through the lightning strikes”

    Past tense
    I heard an epitaph
    of love
    A Wave Breaking over me
    And breaking me
    An overwhelming sense of love
    Of sadness yet rightness
    Goodbye was so close

    No, no,
    Don’t think about that now,
    Finish the class
    I can visit again
    In a few days

    After class
    On my phone
    So many notifications
    As soon as I saw
    I knew why

    I was So sad
    Yet So happy to hear
    You quietly slipped away
    After ‘hello’ to Helen
    And a few final sips of tea
    Not in pain
    Peacefully sitting in bed at home
    The ending you wanted.

    Later I realised
    You’d left during that song
    That really was goodbye
    A message from you
    Or God
    Or the Universe
    Or was it just a coincidence?
    I expect that’s what you’d have thought
    If I’d told you.

    But you wouldn’t have said so.
    I can imagine you
    Just listening
    And nodding respectfully
    Wise and kind enough
    To understand
    that’s what I needed
    In that moment.

    Your life was a song
    it reached the end
    It was the right time
    In so many ways.
    You had to make your own sunshine,
    And you did
    There truly was
    No one like you.
    I’m so thankful
    For all the happy memories
    I love you
    I hope I’ll see you again
    Until then I will always miss you.

    With all my love,
    Your daughter and
    Your loyal subject,
    Helen

  • 4 Years Ago

    Four years ago, on December 15, 2021, my husband took me to see a psychiatrist because I was acutely mentally ill. It was a very difficult time for me and my husband. I’m so glad I’m mentally healthy today, with no recurrences to date.

    I’ve been acutely mentally ill three times: in 1996, 2000 and 2021. I wrote about those experiences at or close to the time I was going through them. I’ve put together a mental health summary with links to those posts.

  • Crohn’s Update: Less Symptoms and No Colonoscopy This Winter!

    I’ve posted updates here on my Crohn’s Disease (diagnosed in 2007) from time to time.

    This has been a very good year: in late January I noticed that my Crohn’s symptoms had improved somewhat and were better than they’d been for over ten years!

    The improvement in symptoms means I can do more with less worrying about how close I am at all times to the nearest toilet. For several years now that had been a real concern and limited what I could do, especially in the mornings. Which has been very frustrating. This year I’ve gone on some long morning walks in rural areas and been ok, which has been amazing!

    Also I can now eat high-fibre foods again that I’ve avoided eating for over ten years, like lentils and green salads. Until this year they were too hard on my system.

    It’s possible my Crohn’s Diease is somewhat better because of the current medicine I’m on (rizankizumab/skyrizi). However I’d been on it a whole year already when my symptoms improved, so I think it’s more likely that my healthier eating which started three months earlier has caused the improvement. In particular the choice to stop eating almost all added sugar. I’ve tried various diet adjustments before and not noticed any significant improvements in my symptoms; but perhaps I’ve never focused on cutting out almost all added sugar before.

    The improvement in symptoms has led to something else amazing: last month, I saw my doctor, expecting him to say it was time to refer me for my annual endoscopy procedure (almost always a colonoscopy). To my surprise he simply said “You’re doing well – I’m pleased! I’ll see you again in six months.” So, no endoscopy this winter!

    I dread colonoscopies. Ever since my diagnosis I’ve been having them every 1-2 years since it’s the best way to see the state of my colon. When I moved to the UK in 2022 I started having them annually (except for last year when I had a sigmoidoscopy – see below). So not having a procedure this winter is very significant and wonderful news!

    The prep isn’t why I dread them, although anyone who’s had a colonoscopy knows the prep is not fun. It’s that I have increased pain and symptoms for weeks afterwards. Given the reaction I get from medical professionals this seems to be unusual. They general express surprise and are rather dismissive, which, to be honest, is frustrating and rather invalidating.

    It took me a long time to realise the after-effects were happening after every colonoscopy. Evidently I hadn’t yet realised four years ago when I wrote about doing the prep the day before my colonoscopy, since I said “it will all be over for another year” as soon as the procedure is finished. I now know that unfortunately, the worst part for me comes afterwards.

    In early 2024 I noticed my after-effects showed up as a big spike in one of my regular tests (faecal calprotectin). Later in the year I showed the spike to my gastroenterologist at the appointment when he was going to refer me for a colonoscopy and asked “Do I really have to have one this year? I think it really sets me back.”

    He ran through a list of reasons why he’s not comfortable waiting longer than a year. The main one was, I still had ongoing inflammation since my medication (and by this point I had tried all but one of the available ones) had not yet managed to get my Crohn’s Disease into full remission.

    I was despairing somewhat after hearing that, but then he paused and added “Actually, we could try a sigmoidoscopy instead, since all your inflammation is in your sigmoid colon”.

    It’s a similar procedure but the prep is different, which is significant since I suspect it’s the colonoscopy prep more than the procedure which causes my after-effects. Colonoscopy prep surely is very harsh on an inflamed system. I readily agreed to the sigmoidoscopy and left with no certainty but at least the hope that this time I wouldn’t feel so bad after the procedure.

    I had the sigmoidoscopy and I did feel much better than after my colonoscopies: I didn’t have any increased symptoms! In fact, because I was paying close attention to how I was feeling afterwards, I noticed that my Crohn’s symptoms had lessened and were actually better than they had been for over a decade, as mentioned above.

    And so a month ago, since the sigmoidoscopy was a much better experience, I was planning to ask for one again this winter at my gastroenterologist appointment. But I was afraid he’d respond that I needed a colonoscopy since it had been two years without a full check of my colon. I absolutely did not expect him to be ok without ordering any procedure at all at the appointment. This will make my winter so much better!

  • Healthier Eating, More Exercise and Weight Loss

    About a year ago (late October 2024) I started prioritising healthier eating. I also started doing some strength/body conditioning classes and videos along with zumba classes which I’d been doing for years.

    II was doing this to improve my physical health in general and also to get closer to what I consider the most healthy weight/size for me. I was very happy to lose about 3 stone (about 40lbs or 20kg) over the next 8 months or so and I feel a lot better physically.

    The before and photos below are from the weddings of our children, from November 2023, before I started eating more healthily, and July 2025.

  • Website Updates

    It’s been nearly four years! Time to do some updating. More posts coming soon.

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