These are not things I think about all the time. But my current mental health status has pushed them to the forefront.
It’s not fair that I am diagnosed with not one but two lifelong conditions: Bipolar Disorder (diagnosed in 1996) and Crohn’s Disease (diagnosed in 2007).
Until a couple of months ago I had been ‘in remission’ for about twenty year – ie off meds and not having symptoms, regarding my Bipolar Disorder. My Crohn’s on the other hand has never been in remission. I’m glad there are medications which seem to help it be somewhat under control, but I do have symptoms from it every day.
It’s not fair that I tried hard to find a good psychiatrist in October when my husband expressed mild concern about my mental health and yet ended up with a very invalidating one I did not wish to see again.
About 20 years ago I decided that any attempts to interact with God might lead me back into mania (insanity) so I stopped doing that. However I really wanted to speak words of comfort/encouragement via out loud prayer to a family in distress a month or so ago. I did so, but now I believe that did lead me back into psychosis. It’s not fair that – evidently – I was right, that being an atheist was the way to avoid psychosis.
A couple of months ago I started thinking about how people with Bipolar disorder would probably have better outcomes (ie be alive! Suicide is a major problem) if they were treated in a more empathetic and empowering way. I looked on the Internet and found a couple of people who seemed to be on the right track (here and here). It’s not fair that the center I chose a few weeks ago, when I needed help myself, which sounded promising,falls far short of what these people are doing and is just as invalidating as my treatment 25 years ago. (“What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me” – Job 3:25)
It’s not fair the extent to which the burden of dealing with my mental illness falls on my husband. It’s not fair, the other things I’ve been through this year, which I’m not going to discuss for reasons of privacy.
It’s not fair that I can’t even understand if this is my fault. However the book of Job is more helpful than ever. That might seem extreme, but – if you haven’t been here, please don’t judge me.