This is somewhere in between a poem and…advice? Recommendations?
I believe words have incredible power. They can wound but they can also heal.
If we listen well and respond with care we can actually help others heal simply by having a conversation with them.
The ways we talk to ourselves can keep us stuck or help us break free.
The truth really does set people free.
It takes some…finesse to do this in a way that builds up rather than tears down.
Especially with traumatized people.
On the whole traumatized people are very very invalidated. They need validation above all.
Traumatized people are likely to be retraumatized by advice. No matter how well-intentioned.
They need a safe space created around them. That they can slowly move into, only if and when they feel ready.
It’s very easy to put them off, crowd them, back them into a corner.
If they were traumatized by authority figures then it may be impossible for other authority figures to help.
Unless they can lay down all their authority and come alongside with humility.
They can do this by being vulnerable and sharing their own stories of hurt and pain, embarrassment, humiliation and failure.
They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.
People can do their own Cognitive Behavior Therapy ie talk to themselves to address their own cognitive distortions. To find the cognitive distortions, go through this exercise: when you feel a feeling, ask yourself what words go with that feeling? Maybe something didn’t work out and it hurts a lot. Look inside to see what you are saying. Maybe “I knew this would happen because I always screw things up. I’m a failure.”Then once you find the words you can address them. Find the true part and reject the distortion. So, “Yes it went wrong. Yes I am sad about that. But yesterday I did something really well. I do make mistakes and bad choices sometimes but I am not ‘a failure’.” – Or whatever. That’s how CBT works. If you do it consistently it will help undo bad programming. When the bad programming gets undone you’ll stop calling yourself a failure and then you’ll stop feeling the pain that goes with it. You’ll still feel sadness when things go wrong but you won’t be cut to the core in the way that “I am a failure” cuts to the core.
You can sort of help/guide other people by using CBT with them but it won’t work unless you start by connecting with them where they’re at. If you don’t start with validation they won’t hear anything else. If you try to jump to “No you’re not a failure” they won’t be able to accept that and believe you – because it will feel invalidating that you are contradicting their beliefs about themself. You need to gently connect with their sadness over a disappointment first . Then give them space and see if they feel safe enough to tell you their shaming cognitive distortions like “I always mess up. I’m a failure”. If they do don’t argue – because it’s invalidating. Instead gently remind them of the data – give them information – about their successes. Let them join the dots based on the information. Trying to do it for them is too heavy-handed and helpersplaining.
Helping people with more hidden wounds through conversation is similar. If you want to help traumatized people watch the videos on facebook of people taming stray abused dogs. Consider how long it takes to get them out of their corner and how much patience it takes. The people wanting to help have to stay far away, occasionally going near just for a moment to put some food down, then they leave again. It takes a long time for the dog to be trusting enough to start leaving their corner and even longer until the dog will allow anyone to touch them.
A hug is a huge stretch goal for some people. It’s literally suffocating. What they need is space to breathe. Safe space.
So yeah, give it a go. But go carefully and slowly. A little can already be too much so be ready to back off again if needed.
It may seem very hard. But they are probably watching and noticing changes, if you’re making any. It’s usually not about being perfect (which is good because none of us are!) It might be enough to do one thing differently, if it gets noticed. If the status quo is causing despair and hopelessness, perhaps one small change can allow a tiny bit of hope in. With hope, a little can be a lot. The difference between no hope and a little hope is huge.
So try to open something, a crack, that lets a little hope in again, for people who have lost all hope. The worse they feel the less you can mess up, because, how can it get any worse? Because of this, the hardest cases might in some ways be the easiest to make a difference for.