I don’t know how to describe them.
I think maybe I’m a Christian atheist or an atheist Christian.
That’s not really a thing though is it?
If I’m a Christian then how come I agree with atheists about pretty much everything? How come I am completely content with not praying or worshipping or reading the Bible, in fact on the whole I prefer not to?
If I’m an atheist then how come I still care about Christians so much? Why do I want to hang out with them, in particular (even though I don’t, on the whole)? Why do I seem drawn to things I remember are in the Bible, even though it is literally emotionally painful for me actually to sit down and read it at any length?Â
Maybe I’m an agnostic agnostic because my life experiences have taught me to be very skeptical of certainty. Maybe agnostic agnostic fits because I am aware I don’t know stuff and I am also aware that I probably don’t know what I don’t know.
Maybe it doesn’t matter. But if it doesn’t matter, why did I want to write about it?
Hey, Helen! Good to hear from you again!! Ahh, those were the days, huh?!?
If I remember your story right (and I think I do), I think the best way to approach this is pragmatically. Step away from what you think or think about, and try to drill down to your core beliefs. What do you actually “believe” in your heart of hearts?
In the spirit of “You might be a Redneck if …”
If you believe actually Jesus rose from the dead, you might be a Christian. Otherwise, you might be an atheist.
I think if you start there, then, depending on your answer, you can either move on to the next question, or you will have already got your answer.
Next question, assuming your 1st answer is “yes,” might be, “Does that make him God?” Next question, assuming your 2nd answer is “yes,” might be, “Do I care?”
Next question, assuming your 3rd answer is ‘yes,” might be, “What do I do with that?”
Forget what people think you should think … forget what YOU think you should think … focus on what you actually believe, and go from there. You used to believe it … do you now? I often have to simplify my beliefs down to simple, binary, yes/no, questions to figure out what I really think. Then let the answer be what it is and move on. If there’s a God (and I believe there is), he has some role to play in this game, too. If his Holy Spirit speaks to you (I know this is a troublesome area for you – at least it used to be), then hear it. Not in a crazy mentally unstable way, but really … if you, after a series of 3 or 4 simple, binary, questions, figure out that you might be a Christian, then figure out what to do with that next. Don’t worry about that now.
Feel free to reach out any time! I would love to revive our online friendship!
Thanks for your comment Mike! I’m so glad I met you through Off the Map!
I appreciate you sharing what works for you – it is very kind of you to reach out and offer me help.
After reading your post I remembered something and wrote the following, which I hope will explain why I’m on indefinite leave from trying to figure out what my beliefs are.
https://www.mildenhall.net/2021/11/22/permission-to-rest/
This is also related:
https://www.mildenhall.net/2021/11/18/saying-goodbye-to-jesus/
Mike, be well, thanks for getting in touch!
Thanks for your comment Mike! I’m so glad I met you through Off the Map!
I appreciate you sharing what works for you – it is very kind of you to reach out and offer me help.
After reading your post I remembered something and wrote the following, which I hope will explain why I’m on indefinite leave from trying to figure out what my beliefs are.
https://www.mildenhall.net/2021/11/22/permission-to-rest/
This is also related:
https://www.mildenhall.net/2021/11/18/saying-goodbye-to-jesus/
Mike, be well, thanks for getting in touch!