Saying Goodbye to Jesus

In 1996 I became psychotically manic but somehow my faith survived. At the time it may have been because coincidentally being A Good Rule Follower was exactly what was needed to get out of the psychiatric unit. As soon as I could focus my brain enough to remember A Rule Follower was what I was, I was able to say “Yes I understand that’s my diagnosis” and “Yes I will take my medicine” and I was allowed to go home.

In 2000 I went off the precipice again mentally. This time my faith was not so fortunate. When I hit bottom I found it was also somewhat in pieces, shattered around me.

It wasn’t actually that dramatic or quick. Nevertheless, my second episode of mental illness definitely had a very big role in accidentally deconstructing my faith.

21 years later I’m aware that there are several Christians who once were Evangelical/Charismatic/Bible-believing Christians, whose faith is – well, less defined than it once was.

Back when I was a Evangelical/Charismatic/Bible-believing Christian, I thought that we were the only real Christians. I believed we had the correct litmus test which clearly came from the Bible itself. And the litmus test was, we were the ones with a real, personal, relationship with Jesus. Only people who talked about God/Jesus talking to them personally were real Christians. Who knows what all those other people calling themselves Christians were. Something else.

That worked for me for about 17 years. Then I fell off the precipice in 2000 mentally and never wanted it to happen again. Twice was two times too many. And so I found myself faced with a difficult choice. Stick with Jesus and risk future psychotic episodes. Or break up with Jesus for the sake of my sanity. (I realize I haven’t explained here why sticking with Jesus would risk my sanity – suffice it to say, at this point, I was extremely concerned that it would)

Uninviting Jesus into my life was not some sort of ‘thought’ experiment for me. It also was as real as inviting him in was in the first place. It was as hard to say goodbye to him now as it was amazing to invite him in in the first place. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to. I was doing it only because it truly seemed to me that my sanity was at stake.

Not only was it hard to do, it also felt extremely morally wrong.

But I realized something. If Jesus was as decent as the more decent human beings I knew – and he was better, so I had been told – I could be fairly sure (even with a broken brain) what he would say about my decision to break up with him. My decision to not pray anymore and not read the Bible meditatively anymore.

He’d say

“Of course that’s ok – I totally understand! You do whatever you need to, to be well. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings (!) – I’m not an insecure child who is going to go sulk in the corner. I’m not an egomaniac who needs your prayers, praise and worship. I’m not a control-freak who will demand you do anything that doesn’t work for you just because I need to be in charge and make all the rules.

Anyway you know all this – Matthew 12:20a! – you are so hurt right now, I would never hurt you more!”

The next part is more controversial perhaps, but I think he also would have said (did say?)

“I mean, all this stuff – talking to me, worshipping me, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Do whatever you want. But, please, try not to hurt other people in the process. Try to help them when you have enough bandwidth to do so. Because – and you know this in your heart of hearts, don’t you? Kindness is everything. “

Actually there’s one more thing I believe he also would have said/did say:

“Btw, that person who said your website [or anyone who thought your letters in the local newspaper] will send people to hell, don’t worry about that for a moment. What a crazy idea, that you could be responsible for that; who do they think you are – God? :-)”