I think I was somewhat ill when I wrote this.
(This, of course, is allegorical)
The Party
You were so excited to be invited! At last…maybe this would lead to more friends…maybe this would open the door finally for you to be part of the “in-crowd” instead of the also-rans…there would be a lot of people here you wanted to meet – influential people, people you admired!
A little bit of a disappointment that you weren’t seated with anyone you knew ahead of time (not that there were many there – ha! That is to say, you recognized a lot of them but – they wouldn’t have known you from Adam…)
The wine flows freely and in the release and relief of finding that these people did laugh at your occasional, embarrassed, joke – you lose count and find yourself freer and freer in your comments…
But you begin to notice the laughter is dying down now and the looks of admiration are being replaced with looks of concern. One person – an older, wiser – kind and gentle even? – man says “It’s getting late…” Wow – you hadn’t realized the time!
You stand up, unsteadily and the change in equilibrium does no favors to your stomach which immediately starts churning and probably only a prelude to worse…
You reach out to lean on the pillar next to your table. But somehow, although it is a foundational pillar to the whole structure, instead of supporting your weight it begins to give…
It gives more, rumbling sounds begin, screams, shrieks, a lot of motion and commotion around you, people pushing…but you sink to the ground, unaware…
Waking Up
You open your eyes to the sound of a kind voice and see a kind face, someone who has brought you breakfast. As the memories flood back you start to say “Hey I had such a dream…”
and then you stop, arrested as you see tears in their eyes. “That – that wasn’t a dream. It’s happening again…Look…look, just eat this and the doctor will be along later. I’m sorry – I think we need to change your medication again…”
You look at the pill in her hand and start to say “Oh, I’m not sure that’s necessary” but even as the thoughts and words are forming her face begins to fragment and give way, metamorphosizing into Evil Incarnate…a tall man with evil eyes and a syringe in his hand…”
Hastily you say “sure I’ll take it”. And you do. (What other choice is there? Death? Insanity? The Evil of unending terror? Eternal incarcaration)
But you are being silly – of course – because it is only a hospital and this is only a nurse come to help you, the sick one, to “get better”. And you are. Very sick. Evidently. How could you have ever thought otherwise? But – it’s the illness isn’t it? Else you couldn’t have.
The Ashes
You sit up, dazed, as the dust begins to clear. You’re sitting in the open air now and the sun is just beginning to come up. It’s actually a beautiful morning but – the sunlight simply makes you squint and your headache worse. You feel – well, terrible.
There is no-one around. A catch of fear as the memory of last night floods back (well, most of it, perhaps ;-)) remember – but, no you see nothing around you but rubble and dust. Thankfully because – well obviously you never meant to hurt a soul…it was an accident…how were you to know it would give?
But wait, some people are coming in the far distance.
When they arrive you begin to say “But – I was sure it would hold my weight…”
They are not listening though. As silently as they came, they turn around and walk away slowly, shaking their heads as they leave. They have not even talked but – they are clearly as one, in thought.
Does it hurt to die?
A thought that stings and brings a flash of anger – hey, it’s not as if I have leprosy!! But then…an insidious fear that steals into your heart – stealthily and yet comes with a vice-like grip – as the strengthening sunlight of the rising sun shines on your arm, is that – is that really just – white dust?
Sometimes, yes. I think it sometimes hurts to die. I wouldn’t know but – I suspect it hurts very much, sometimes.
[The last line of the Sacred Silence, 3/10/01] Perhaps a day is coming. I hope so. In fact I trust it is.