Dealing With Marriage Problems

• Introduction
• Specific Suggestions
• When Your Spouse’s Behavior Is Unacceptable
• Understanding The Differences Between Men And Women
• Further Reading

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Introduction

(This is based on my personal experience of what has helped me in my own marriage (we are coming up to 10 years and this year has been the hardest, because of my illness) and also things I have read which make sense to me.)

Marriage can be a source of great pleasure; it can also be very painful when conflicts arise or one spouse is behaving in an inappropriate way. I’ve noticed that marriage problems often accompany mental health problems. This doesn’t surprise me because anything stressful in our lives increases the likelihood of us being anxious or depressed and one of the most stressful things that can happen to us is when our relationship with our spouse is difficult.

Marriage Takes Effort

Good marriages do not just “happen”; they are made by two people who are committed to each other and to working at the marriage relationship. This commitment may be implicit rather than stated but it is there in all good marriages which have lasted for several years. If you are having problems you may feel like you are no longer “in love” and the only answer is to end the relationship. But our feelings are unreliable and change all the time. By seeking help and finding out what is causing the problems you can turn things around and most likely you will find yourself more “in love” than ever.

Be Willing To Lead By Example

Your spouse may or may not share your perception that there are problems with the marriage. But even if he/she doesn’t, you can begin making changes today that will help your marriage. Even if you think that the problems are entirely your spouse’s fault, you can do things that will make a difference for both of you, and hopefully once your spouse sees an improvement in the relationship, he/she will be encouraged to make an effort too. If you learn how to enhance the marriage, you can teach your spouse by example first and later by explaining what you learned that made a difference.

So here are some specific things you can both do or initiate by yourself if your spouse is not ready to join you yet.

Specific Suggestions

Counseling

When there are conflicts and problems in the marriage relationship, it is often difficult to discuss them in a constructive way when it is just you and your spouse. Emotions get in the way and the discussion can easily turn into an argument and mud-slinging. I recommend going to see a 3rd person who can hear both sides and help you to focus on positive practical things you both can do to improve your marriage relationship. This 3rd person could be a professional marriage counsellor or someone else experienced in counselling couples. But the person must be impartial; if the person takes sides then the counselling will be a complete waste of time.

To get your spouse to go to counselling with you it’s best to take the approach “this may be my problem but can we seek help together?”, even if you are fairly convinced that your spouse is causing the problems. Generally both partners are doing unhelpful things when a marriage is problematic and both need to change irrespective of who is most to blame (but, as I said, one spouse making changes first usually leads the other one to change too).

If your spouse will not go with you to counselling, you still may benefit from individual counselling with a person experienced in helping couples. This person will listen to your perception of what is wrong with your marriage and can help you deal with the intense pain of rejection that generally results from problematic marriages and help you figure out what you can do to improve the marriage.

Don’t Assume You Can Change Your Spouse

If your spouse is doing something which upsets you, you can ask him/her to change but remember that you cannot assume your spouse can or is willing to change in order to accommodate you. A good marriage includes some give and take on both sides, but it is dangerous to go into a marriage or to later develop a mindset that once your spouse changes in this or that way, everything will be fine. You need to accept them as they are (except if they are abusing you which of course is not acceptable).

Focus On How You Communicate

Your spouse probably knows you better than anyone else but they cannot read your mind. Try not to assume that they know what is bothering you, when you are upset, but rather explain it as clearly and respectfully as you can. They might not even realize you are upset, in fact, unless you say something. And when you do remember to use “I” statements about your feelings and be specific about what is upsetting you right now, rather than “you” accusations about all the things that have ever annoyed you about them (which can easily happen when you are upset)!

Have Reasonable Expectations Of Your Spouse

Often we are harder on our spouse than anyone else in our lives. We are polite to others and give them the benefit of the doubt and yet with our spouse we expect the worst and judge and criticize them more harshly than other people. Next time you feel like “telling it straight” to your spouse, try thinking first: “Would I say this to someone else? How would I say it?”

Remember Why You Got Married

It’s easy to drift into focusing exclusively on what we don’t like about our spouse. But it’s worth making an effort to remember the good things about them too. Remember that you did marry them for a reason! Think about what you like about them as well as what you don’t like.

Don’t Take Everything Personally

When our spouse says “No” or is not behaving as we wish they would, it can feel like a major rejection of us; but try to remember that this might be about them. Maybe they had a terrible day at work. Maybe something you have no control over is bothering them. Maybe they are just tired or hungry or don’t want to deal with the children right now. It is unfortunate that they may take out their feelings on you, but even if they think you are causing all their problems, try to remember that that is not necessarily a correct interpretation and do your best to wait until they are feeling better before trying to discuss things with them.

Try To Understand Their Point Of View And Needs

Think about what might be hard for your spouse; maybe they are unhappy too. Talk to them and listen to what makes them happy or sad. Then see if you can do things to make them happier which will result in them treating you better. Pain turns us inward on ourself and makes it hard for us think about others. If you can help your spouse to feel better they in turn will be more able to think about what pleases you and to do it.

Don’t “Force” Love From Your Spouse

It is very hard to deal with a spouse who seems not to care any more but don’t try to “force” them into being affectionate; that will only cause them to pull back further and make you feel even more rejected. Try the practical things that usually help a difficult marriage and be patient with your spouse. Whether they are willing to admit it or not, they are probably hurting too and it may take time for them to heal.

Spend Time With Your Spouse

If you have children, make sure you have time alone, just you and your spouse. It’s important to do fun things together without having to have most of your attention on the children. Having regular time away from the children, with your spouse, is important for maintaining a good relationship

When Your Spouse’s Behavior Is Unacceptable

In some situations you have to take a stand and make it clear that the marriage cannot continue unless your spouse is willing to change and actually can carry through on that. Noone ought to allow their spouse to abuse them or to have other sexual relationships outside the marriage (unless this is part of your marriage agreement). If your spouse is doing these things and is unwilling to change, even though you have told them that change is necessary if they want to stay married to you, then there is nothing more you can do and you ought to protect yourself by leaving. If you are being abused please separate physically for your own safety; this does not necessarily mean the marriage is over; you can continue to discuss the marriage with your spouse while protecting yourself.

If Your Spouse Is Sorry

If your spouse is sorry for what they did and is making a real effort to change then you need not end the marriage; you can give them time to see whether they are able to be different (while protecting yourself in reasonable ways) and meanwhile work at dealing with your anger towards them for how they hurt you. If you possibly can I would recommend giving your spouse a chance to change; if you end the marriage now you may lose something that could be fixed and made better than ever and be a great blessing to you. So please think carefully and don’t do something you will regret later.

Forgiving Your Spouse

This is not easy but if you want to rebuild your marriage you will need to do this. You will never have a good marriage if you continue to be angry with your spouse. In turn, it is reasonable to expect your spouse to understand and acknowledge how much they hurt you by their previous behavior. They also need to realize that they will have to demonstrate that they have stopped doing what hurt you and are committed to not doing it again and to realize that it will take a little while for you to heal and learn to trust them again. You can forgive your spouse, no matter what he/she has done, although it is hard and may take time.

Understanding Differences Between Men And Women

These are generalizations and whether they are genetic or environmental does not matter; they are observed frequently and knowing about them can help to lessen misunderstandings in marriage.

Women talk to share feelings whereas men talk to share information. When a women discusses a problem she often is looking for sympathy not solutions, whereas men are problem solvers. This means that a man may feel irritated by a woman discussing some issue he cannot solve, not realizing that she knows he cannot fix it but wants him to say “Yes, that must be very upsetting”.

Men and women both like intimacy but the physical act of sex is often more important to men than women. And men can switch gears better in this area than women – women who have a difficult evening are not going to want sex without some “reconciliation” process first, whereas it seems like this is not a problem for men.

Further Reading

I found the book “Love Is Never Enough” by Aaron T Beck very helpful. It is based on cognitive therapy techniques and has lots of helpful illustrative examples based on couples the author has counseled.

“You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen helped me understand the different communication styles of men and women.

“What Wives Wish Their Husbands Understood About Women” by James Dobson helped me understand some of the common differences between men and women (this is a Christian book).

I recently discovered that Dr Willard Harley, a marriage counselor, has a web site, Marriage Builders which looks helpful. I heard him speaking about marriage a while ago and liked what he had to say although I don’t own any of his books.